I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. PHYLLIS DILLER EverybodySlap
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt. PHYLLIS DILLER ChocolateDirtLikeServe
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him. PHYLLIS DILLER GetHusbvbandIntoNoReplySayShop
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide. PHYLLIS DILLER CheapChristmasCommittedEveFreKidsSantaShotTell
Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door. PHYLLIS DILLER AfterAmbulanceOkay
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake. PHYLLIS DILLER BakeBuildupCrudCupcakeRooSingleSuch
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. PHYLLIS DILLER BeatyEyesightLikeMarryMayOwn
