A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him. PHYLLIS DILLER ExactlyFriendLaughLookManPassportPhotoPictureRealize
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought. PHYLLIS DILLER AccusedConstantCountryDroughtFireFoodMudSwanson
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’ PHYLLIS DILLER ComeEnemyGeetHouseMessReallyStrangeWin
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do. PHYLLIS DILLER ApplyCleanNeighbourRoasterSomething
Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down. PHYLLIS DILLER AlwaysBeforeDownDrinkFallFriendHealth
I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate. PHYLLIS DILLER KarateLookOverpowerPerfumeSick
Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in. PHYLLIS DILLER AppendixBackDivorceHusbandLikePutRemarry
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. PHYLLIS DILLER AffordAllChildrenMoveThemThingWant
It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months. PHYLLIS DILLER BedCourseFangGoneMadMonthThreeTrueWasYear
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ PHYLLIS DILLER AgoAskFreshGrassHourLadyMilkSaidThreeWaiter
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot. PHYLLIS DILLER AligatorBarefootComplimentKnowShoeSomeone
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. PHYLLIS DILLER ChristmasDayJobLookNextOfficeParty
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead. PHYLLIS DILLER BuryClearDeadDinnerFoodPhaseServeTableThree
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked. PHYLLIS DILLER AlsoCareerFeltHusbandMarriageMixWork
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. PHYLLIS DILLER BadEarnEverKidLastLoseMoneyOldTeethThing
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know. PHYLLIS DILLER AnybodyBehindDoingEighteenIronKnowNowUseYear
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. PHYLLIS DILLER CommonCraveFarMistPregnantPrepareWomen
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. PHYLLIS DILLER ChristmasEverybodyForgottenPastPresentRememberTimeWant
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. PHYLLIS DILLER AdviceAwayBottleChildrenFollowKeepTransquilzerWork