Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
NORM MACDONALDI always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
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All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
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Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.
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He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
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Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
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Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
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A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.
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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
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You can’t love your team without hating another team.
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They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.
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Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
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Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
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The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
NORM MACDONALD