I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERGIf you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG