On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERGIf you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG