When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERGI wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERGI saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERGYou know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERGWhy are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERGI haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERGAn escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERGI was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERGI went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERGDogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERGI once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG