I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERGWhy is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERG