I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERG -
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG






