When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERGIf I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG