I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERGIf I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG