I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERGOn a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG