Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERGOn a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG -
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERG -
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG






