I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERGOn a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG