If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERGOn a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG