I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERGOn a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERG -
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
MITCH HEDBERG