Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERGOn a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG