My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERGOn a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG