The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERGOn a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG