A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERGMy belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG






