If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
-
-
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Every picture of you is when you were younger.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERG -
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG -
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG