Why are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERGI’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERG