An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG