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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG

Drunk Funny Humor Mess
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Ghost Humor Room
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG

Crazy Dance Funny Humor Yourself
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG

Dog Funny Humor
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Mean
Why are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Photograph
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG

Drug Funny Humor
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Music Philosophy
I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Home Humor
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Watches
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Friendship Funny Humor
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fashion Funny Hairs Humor
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Language Word
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Hurt
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Funny Humor Running

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Mitch Hedberg Quotes