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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

Mitch Hedberg

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Guy Humor
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG

Drunk Funny Humor Mess
I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Home Humor
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG

Air Funny Humor Problem
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Giraffe Hate
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Life Sex Woman
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Life
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Ghost Humor Room
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fall Funny Myself Travel
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERG

Eat Funny Humor Lake
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERG

Believe Deep Ghost People
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG

Experience Sky Thinking Travel
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG

Crazy Dance Funny Humor Yourself
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Music
I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Soccer Sports

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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