black
grey
blue
red
brown
white

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedberg

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERG

Alcohol Funny Humor Wait Wine
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Climate Funny Humor Men
Why are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Photograph
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Music
I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Home Humor
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Language Word
I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Girlfriend Humor
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Humor
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG

Dog Funny Humor
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG

Doe Funny Humor
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Funny Humor People
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG

Depression Funny Sports Wall
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Funny Humor Lake
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Mean
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Hero Real
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Funny Humor Running

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Mitch Hedberg Quotes