An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG -
Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERG