I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG