I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERGOne time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG