Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERGOne time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG