I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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- black
- grey
- blue
- red
- brown
- white
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG






