Why are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERGOne time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG






