I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERGI saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERG -
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG -
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG