I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG