I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG