A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG






