Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG