I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERG






