I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG