On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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