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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”

Mitch Hedberg

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Guy Humor Serious Wrong
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Friendship Funny Humor
Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Humor Need
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
MITCH HEDBERG

Appearance Funny Humor Race
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG

Doe Funny Humor
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Language Word
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG

Air Funny Humor
Every picture of you is when you were younger.
MITCH HEDBERG

Photograph Young Yourself
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Giraffe Hate
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Phone
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG

Cloud Stupidity Wrong
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Hurt
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG

Clever Funny Witty
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Greatness Humor Yourself
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Hero Real
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG

Air Funny Humor Problem

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”

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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”

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