I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERSI knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERSI use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERSI enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
JOAN RIVERSIf you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERSPut me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
JOAN RIVERSBefore we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSI’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERSThere are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
JOAN RIVERSI hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
JOAN RIVERSYou know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
JOAN RIVERSA man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
JOAN RIVERSThe first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERSWhen you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERSThe last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERSYou have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
JOAN RIVERS