With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
JOAN RIVERS