My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS