I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
JOAN RIVERSI said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
JOAN RIVERSMoney can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERSI hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
JOAN RIVERSYour anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERSElizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSOne of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
JOAN RIVERSI’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERSComediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERSI said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERSThe first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
JOAN RIVERSI’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERSMaybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
JOAN RIVERSTravel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
JOAN RIVERSBefore we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERSMy daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
JOAN RIVERS