If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
JOAN RIVERSIf you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
-
-
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS -
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
JOAN RIVERS -
I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS -
Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
JOAN RIVERS -
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
JOAN RIVERS -
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS -
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
JOAN RIVERS -
Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERS -
I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERS -
I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERS -
If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERS -
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERS -
Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
JOAN RIVERS -
Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS -
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS