Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERSIf you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Better laid than never.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS






