I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERSA female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
JOAN RIVERS