I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
JOAN RIVERSA female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
JOAN RIVERS






