Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERSThere are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERS