My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
JOAN RIVERSI was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERS -
I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERS -
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
JOAN RIVERS -
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERS -
Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
JOAN RIVERS -
Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
JOAN RIVERS -
Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERS -
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
JOAN RIVERS -
Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
JOAN RIVERS -
I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
JOAN RIVERS -
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERS -
To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
JOAN RIVERS -
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
JOAN RIVERS






