I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERSElizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERS