When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERSElizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERS






