When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERSElizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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Better laid than never.
JOAN RIVERS