Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERSElizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
JOAN RIVERS