A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
JOAN RIVERSBefore we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS