Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
JOAN RIVERSBefore we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Better laid than never.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERS