The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERSYour anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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Better laid than never.
JOAN RIVERS