Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERSYour anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERS