Happiness, at my age, is breathing
JOAN RIVERSYour anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
JOAN RIVERS






