I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERSYour anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
JOAN RIVERS