Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
JOAN RIVERSYour anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
JOAN RIVERS