Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
JOAN RIVERSI have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
JOAN RIVERS