I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERSI have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
JOAN RIVERS