Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
JOAN RIVERS






