The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
JOAN RIVERS