A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
JOAN RIVERSYou know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Better laid than never.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERS