You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
EMO PHILIPS