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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Emo Philips

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
EMO PHILIPS

Country Enough Rotate Slow Way Yourself
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPS

Animal Dog Human Myself Thinking
I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPS

Hope Learning Love Myself Panic Stalk
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
EMO PHILIPS

Away College Letter Parents
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
EMO PHILIPS

Heart Myself Old Place Time Woman
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Myself Name
I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS

Character Myself Permanent
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPS

Beat Boxing Computer Defeat Myself
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPS

Funny Hands Magic Myself People Power Raise
So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
EMO PHILIPS

Moron Myself Stand Wall
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPS

Cheating Funny Herself Man Relationship See
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Forgiveness Funny God Myself Night Prayer Realization Steal
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPS

Future Government Myself Weapon
New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS

Evidence Himself Library Myself Rude Wonderful
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPS

Break Children Job Money Replacement Rise Yourself
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
EMO PHILIPS

Beach Love Myself Rock Sound

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

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