One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
More Emo Philips Quotes
-
-
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPS -
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
EMO PHILIPS -
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPS -
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPS -
I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPS -
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPS -
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
EMO PHILIPS -
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
EMO PHILIPS -
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS -
They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
EMO PHILIPS -
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPS -
My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPS -
Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPS -
Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS -
I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
EMO PHILIPS