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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

Emo Philips

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPS

Crazy Expensive Need Relationship Treatment
Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPS

Computer Intelligence Thinking
Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS

Angry Buy Period Wait Weapon
Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
EMO PHILIPS

Animal Clothes Fashion Yourself
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Deal Myself Snow Time
My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPS

Excitement Myself Parents Protection Road Street
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPS

Amusement Job Myself Park Ride Seat Terrify
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPS

Built Character Combination Myself Nature Understand
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Forgiveness Funny God Myself Night Prayer Realization Steal
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
EMO PHILIPS

Heart Myself Old Place Time Woman
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPS

Alone Myself Night Sleep Thankful
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
EMO PHILIPS

Drive People Silence Tough
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPS

Brain Death Democracy Doctor Emergency Family Myself Room
People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPS

Concern Myself People Reproduction
My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPS

Eyes Man Myself Relationship
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPS

Funny Hands Magic Myself People Power Raise

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

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Popular Authors

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