When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
EMO PHILIPSI was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
EMO PHILIPS