I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPSYou know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPS