The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPSAll the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
EMO PHILIPS