When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
EMO PHILIPSMy mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS