People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPSMy mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPS