The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
EMO PHILIPSMy mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
EMO PHILIPS