I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
EMO PHILIPSMy mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
EMO PHILIPS