I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPSMy mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPS






