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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
EMO PHILIPS

Fight Funny Himself Myself Time
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
EMO PHILIPS

Heart Myself Old Place Time Woman
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Myself Name
New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS

Evidence Himself Library Myself Rude Wonderful
I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPS

Hope Learning Love Myself Panic Stalk
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
EMO PHILIPS

Myself Organ Thinking Wonderful
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPS

Built Character Combination Myself Nature Understand
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
EMO PHILIPS

Earth Hate Live Nation Peace Prejudice Reality Reason Togetherness
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPS

Drop Food Funny Myself Relationship Spoon
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPS

Cheating Funny Herself Man Relationship See
Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
EMO PHILIPS

Animal Clothes Fashion Yourself
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS

Confession Myself Scare
My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPS

Eyes Man Myself Relationship
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
EMO PHILIPS

Confidence Earth Myself Oneself Purpose
People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPS

Concern Myself People Reproduction
So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
EMO PHILIPS

Moron Myself Stand Wall

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

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