A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
EMO PHILIPSI think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPS