How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPSI think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
EMO PHILIPS