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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

Emo Philips

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPS

Alcohol Drink Myself Night
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPS

Funny Hands Magic Myself People Power Raise
New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS

Evidence Himself Library Myself Rude Wonderful
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
EMO PHILIPS

Black Hands Myself Purpose Wife
I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS

Character Myself Permanent
I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
EMO PHILIPS

Life Myself Please Reality Win
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPS

Animal Dog Human Myself Thinking
People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPS

Concern Myself People Reproduction
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
EMO PHILIPS

Competition Decision Magic Theory
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Myself Name
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPS

Forgiveness God Myself Steal Work
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPS

Built Character Combination Myself Nature Understand
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPS

Amusement Job Myself Park Ride Seat Terrify
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
EMO PHILIPS

Beach Love Myself Rock Sound
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Deal Myself Snow Time
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPS

Mom Often Quite Sex Sister

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

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