If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
EMO PHILIPSPeople come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
EMO PHILIPS