I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPSPeople come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
EMO PHILIPS