I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPSPeople come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPS