“I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage.”

How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I’ve got a cousin who is 18… Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.

You love the people that give you money and attention? Of course you do, that’s not selfless that you love your fans, that’s ridiculous.

I just think they aren’t true. I’m saying that our generation wants stuff that is substantial and challenging, as well as thoughtful and endearing. Well, I don’t know if I’m doing that, but I’m trying.

What’s that? My six song album entitled Bo Fo Sho is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I’ll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.

Laughter is the best medicine, y’know, besides medicine.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.

The classic comedian says there’s nothing that’s taboo; if you laugh at one thing you’ve got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost… my virginity.

If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there’s a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural.

When I see someone filming me, I don’t usually think, ‘No, man, don’t put this up online!’ I’d think, ‘Hey man, you don’t get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!’ I love going to theatre and to shows so much.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don’t.

I work really hard on the shows and I think the shows speak for themselves. I don’t want to construct the show to prove something.

There’s a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he’s a good conductor?

I know the world isn’t fair, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?

By disregarding intuition in favor of science, or science in favor of instincts, we limit ourselves.

Biggest affirmative argument I know in favor of ‘If a man die, shall he live again?’ is just the way you feel inside you that nothin’ can stop you from livin’ on.

Most people are in favor of change, as long as they can continue to do things the same as they always have.

to ask for anything of consequence from friends who cannot refuse is uncivilized.

Fortune, that favors fools.

Raillery is a mode of speaking in favor of one’s wit at the expense of one’s better nature.

Friendship is an arrangement by which we undertake to exchange small favors for big ones.