“Laughter is the best medicine, y’know, besides medicine.”

What’s that? My six song album entitled Bo Fo Sho is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I’ll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.

The classic comedian says there’s nothing that’s taboo; if you laugh at one thing you’ve got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost… my virginity.

If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there’s a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural.

When I see someone filming me, I don’t usually think, ‘No, man, don’t put this up online!’ I’d think, ‘Hey man, you don’t get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!’ I love going to theatre and to shows so much.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don’t.

I work really hard on the shows and I think the shows speak for themselves. I don’t want to construct the show to prove something.

There’s a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he’s a good conductor?

Was Einstein’s theory good? Relatively.

I chose to do comedy instead of going to college.

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot,

I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don’t have a great ear. It’s like a tragedy – I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.

I’m happy with what I’m doing. I try not to focus on how I’ve changed. I just try to focus on what I’m doing now.

We realized that no one of us could be as good as all of us playing unselfishly.

Where is the greatest peace? In truth and righteousness. Who is the hero? The man who subdues his senses. Who is the best beloved? The faithful wife. What is wealth? Knowledge. What is the most perfect happiness? Staying at home.

Unconditional love is the most powerful stimulant to the immune system.

Do your best and let God do the rest.

Conflict is at the very heart of life, resulting not simply from the malevolence of others in the struggle for place or portion, but also from the fact that men of the best will in the world seem to suffer incurably,

My 80s were the best years of my life!

Beware of barbers, beauticians, waiters – or anyone – bringing gifts of ‘inside’ information or tips. Don’t try to be a jack of all investment. Stick to the field you know best.

The best gift anyone can give to a friend is to pray for him.