“I don’t want to try to recreate for no reason. Like, me in my bedroom, singing songs to a camera was a special thing that was at that time in my life. But I’m just not that kid. I like the format of it, but I want to be able to release things for free.”

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.

The classic comedian says there’s nothing that’s taboo; if you laugh at one thing you’ve got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost… my virginity.

If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there’s a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural.

When I see someone filming me, I don’t usually think, ‘No, man, don’t put this up online!’ I’d think, ‘Hey man, you don’t get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!’ I love going to theatre and to shows so much.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don’t.

I work really hard on the shows and I think the shows speak for themselves. I don’t want to construct the show to prove something.

There’s a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he’s a good conductor?

Was Einstein’s theory good? Relatively.

I chose to do comedy instead of going to college.

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot,

I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don’t have a great ear. It’s like a tragedy – I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.

I’m happy with what I’m doing. I try not to focus on how I’ve changed. I just try to focus on what I’m doing now.

People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

My kids learned to color on this table. There’s been a lot that’s went around this table. Waylon Jennings sat right there in that chair and showed Miley the chords to ‘Good Hearted Woman.’ Sitting in that chair.

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always been a real deep thinker and stuff.

By doing that and being very competitive, the grown-ups started telling me even back before I started playing organized ball that I was too physical and too advanced for the kids my own age.

Everyone says how Calvin and Hobbes is about a real kid, to me there’s nothing real about it; it’s an adult using a kid’s body as a mouthpiece.

My kids, they’re always embarrassed when my voice shows up in something.

If I was US Lacrosse, I wouldn’t let any kids play field until they were 10 or 12.

Theres so much beautiful music in the world, and the kids are getting robbed.

You heard about, through word of mouth, Big Bird is out, he’s in the house. He’s turnin’ up, with Snuffleup, They’re really gettin’ their hustle up.