“I’d really love to make something that doesn’t involve my stupid face.”

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost… my virginity.

If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there’s a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural.

When I see someone filming me, I don’t usually think, ‘No, man, don’t put this up online!’ I’d think, ‘Hey man, you don’t get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!’ I love going to theatre and to shows so much.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don’t.

I work really hard on the shows and I think the shows speak for themselves. I don’t want to construct the show to prove something.

There’s a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he’s a good conductor?

Was Einstein’s theory good? Relatively.

I chose to do comedy instead of going to college.

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot,

I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don’t have a great ear. It’s like a tragedy – I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.

I’m happy with what I’m doing. I try not to focus on how I’ve changed. I just try to focus on what I’m doing now.

People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage.

I’m friends with a lot of comedians, but we don’t talk about material. Most comedians I know don’t watch a lot of other comedy.

Postmodern comedy doesn’t work well with very old audiences, because it’s making fun of the comedy they enjoy.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say no.

The only competition you will ever face is with your own ignorance.

The most outrageous thing happened years ago in my YouTube days, when I asked an older lady – it was like a sexually flavored question and she just slapped me full-on across the face. That’s the one time someone got physically aggressive with me. And it hurt.

She had been born with a face that would let her get away, he saw that face and he lost all control.

I am pre-disposed to try and show the conflict; the regret; the less-than-perfect choices that any human faces. That’s what I like and it seems to be what the camera likes to see me do.

Isn’t it sad how some people’s grip on their lives is so precarious that they’ll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?

You have to face reality some time. But there’s no sense in facing it until somebody forces you to.

People remain what they are even if their faces fall apart.

Becoming critical in the face of criticism, only inspires more criticism.