I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
BILLY CONNOLLYScottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
BILLY CONNOLLY







