A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
BILLY CONNOLLYPeople who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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