I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
BILLY CONNOLLYI don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
BILLY CONNOLLY