The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’
BILL MAHERLittle do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’
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Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
BILL MAHER -
At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution.
BILL MAHER -
When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.
BILL MAHER -
Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
BILL MAHER -
There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
BILL MAHER -
Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he’d have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.
BILL MAHER -
I feel terrible for a Palestinian child who dies. But, if it’s your father, your brother or your uncle who was firing those rockets into Israel, whose fault is it really? Do you really expect the Israelis not to retaliate?
BILL MAHER -
Talk to women who’ve ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.
BILL MAHER -
One of the advantages of atheism is takes so little of your time.
BILL MAHER -
Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?
BILL MAHER -
If you believe that the world is going to come to an end – and perhaps any day now – does it not drain one’s motivation to improve life on earth while we’re here?
BILL MAHER -
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
BILL MAHER -
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
BILL MAHER -
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
BILL MAHER