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Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.

Bill Maher

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
BILL MAHER

Original Social Media Time
The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.
BILL MAHER

Answer Food Health Sick
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.
BILL MAHER

Animal Dog Home Love Myself Reason World
Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks.
BILL MAHER

Check Funny People Support
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
BILL MAHER

Book History Reading Thinking Tough Yourself
To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.
BILL MAHER

Click Perspective Reading Religious Software
Only a Bush could answer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question two different ways and be wrong both times.
BILL MAHER

Answer Dumb Question Time Wrong
The cable TV sex channels don’t expand our horizons, don’t make us better people, and don’t come in clearly enough.
BILL MAHER

Channel Enough Expand Horizon Sex Yourself
I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.
BILL MAHER

Police Religious Reminder Understand
I feel terrible for a Palestinian child who dies. But, if it’s your father, your brother or your uncle who was firing those rockets into Israel, whose fault is it really? Do you really expect the Israelis not to retaliate?
BILL MAHER

Children Expectation Feel Mistake Rocket Terrible Yourself
If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’
BILL MAHER

Conservative Human Money Myself Profit Universal
Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.
BILL MAHER

Fear Information Rule Tribe
Denying racism is the new racism.
BILL MAHER

New Race Trend
If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
BILL MAHER

Bank Funny Gun Weapon Yourself
When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, ‘I want to help you get teeth.’ Why does that make me an a**hole?
BILL MAHER

Generosity Help Liberal Myself
Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
BILL MAHER

Build Fly People Plane Progress Religion Stop Thinking

Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.

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Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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