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God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”

Bill Maher

America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
BILL MAHER

Dog Explanation Issues Myself Sorry Understand
A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
BILL MAHER

Fertilizer Perfume Woman Yourself
The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity – mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism – mumbling to the wall, Islam – mumbling to the floor.
BILL MAHER

Difference Religion Talk Voice
The cable TV sex channels don’t expand our horizons, don’t make us better people, and don’t come in clearly enough.
BILL MAHER

Channel Enough Expand Horizon Sex Yourself
Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?
BILL MAHER

Better Care People
I think what’s dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.
BILL MAHER

Dangerous Ideas Sin Yourself
As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it.
BILL MAHER

Believe Life Path True
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
BILL MAHER

Certain Ideas People Problem
You can’t pray away global warming, and that’s the difference between religious people and sane people.
BILL MAHER

Difference People Prayer Religious Warm Yourself
In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.
BILL MAHER

Average Goodness Need People Society Yourself
I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.
BILL MAHER

Police Religious Reminder Understand
In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit.
BILL MAHER

Government Hospital Party Politics Profit Socialism
We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.
BILL MAHER

Day Herself Mad Nation Speech Tragedy Weapon
The Drug War is an addiction, really.
BILL MAHER

Addiction Drug War
Death is nature’s way of killing you.
BILL MAHER

Death Kill Nature Way Yourself
Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.
BILL MAHER

Apology Crazy Himself Identity Wrong

God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”

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God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Bill Maher Quotes