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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

Bill Bailey

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
BILL BAILEY

Crush Cynicism Flower Funny
Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
BILL BAILEY

Belief Funny Happened Humor
I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
BILL BAILEY

Concrete Funny Humor Pigs
I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
BILL BAILEY

Ducks Funny Humor Strict
You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
BILL BAILEY

Confused Funny Philosophical
So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
BILL BAILEY

Beautiful Possess Things
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
BILL BAILEY

Animal Funny Humor Still Trained
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Long Nostalgia
The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
BILL BAILEY

Bafflingly Jump Paralyzing Philosophical Spider
The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
BILL BAILEY

Electricity Kings Law People Running
There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
BILL BAILEY

Box Evil Funny Humor Suggestion
Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
BILL BAILEY

Fighting Funny Humor Message Pineapple Stupid
People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Optimist People
I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
BILL BAILEY

Admire Funny Humor Hurt Ikea
Thank God for Darwin, eh?
BILL BAILEY

Funny God Humor Thank
Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
BILL BAILEY

Cheese Funny Humor West

It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

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Popular Authors

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