Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
BILL BAILEYThank God for Darwin, eh?
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
BILL BAILEY