How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
BILL BAILEYWithout the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
BILL BAILEY