I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
BILL BAILEYWithout the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
BILL BAILEY