Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
BILL BAILEYPeople say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
BILL BAILEY







