Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
BILL BAILEYPeople say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
BILL BAILEY