Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
BILL BAILEYPeople say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
BILL BAILEY