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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

Books are the key. A book cannot be accessed from afar. You have to hold it, you have to read it.

Ben Elton

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BookKey

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  Beyond love, beyond unrequited love, perhaps even beyond any other passion known to humanity, deep, deep in the depths of the turgid, clinging, swamplike pit of despair that lies dormant within every soul, lurks JEALOUSY.

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  I don’t consider myself Jewish. I am half-Jewish by race but not through my mother.

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  Kingsley watched her disappear from the room, wondering if his heart would break. Logic informed him that of course it would not. The heart was no more than a muscle, a pump which distributed blood about the body.

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  I see dull people as projects … to be reformed

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  You think I look like a teletubby?

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  Books are the key. A book cannot be accessed from afar. You have to hold it, you have to read it.

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  The earth only has so much bounty to offer and inventing ever larger and more notional prices for that bounty does not change its real value.

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  Yes, OK, farty is a silly word. I wish I’d never used it. I’m 34. Perhaps it was a word for my 20s.

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  If I did things for the money, I’d have done adverts in the 1980s, when I was hot enough to be offered them, and ‘Police Academy 6,’ which I was asked to write.

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  And roast beef and Yorkshire pudding is my personal signature dish.

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  I did not vote Labour because they’ve heard of Oasis and nobody is going to vote Tory because William Hague has got a baseball cap.

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  For the past seventeen years I have been experimenting with lager. I am a lager user and one drug leads to another. If you do lager, as night follows day, you’ll end up doing Kentucky Fried Chicken.

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  I think trying to be cool is the worst possible ambition – and I have never suffered from it.

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• 

  And of course to hunt down sedition. Only paper is safe. Books are the key. A book cannot be accessed from afar, you have to hold it, you have to read it.

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• 

  The Germans are a cruel race. Their operas last for six hours and they have no word for fluffy.

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  This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.

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