One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
ALAN KINGFor me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
More Alan King Quotes
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When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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The ability to absorb a book and make someone else’s words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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I was a high school throw-out.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
ALAN KING






